I missed...

Toilet paper should come in rolls of plush, absorbent, flushable gloves...not awkward, difficult-to-maneuver, foldable square sheets. Each finger on T.P. Gloves™ would provide for easy insertion, allowing you to get in there and really dig out any unwanted brown moisture (or unpleasant crust, depending on how long you typically sit on the toilet reading Cosmopolitan with an open hole)...then again, T.P. Mittens™ would offer a unique scooping alternative for those of us with looser anal cavities.

Most importantly, the palm coverage of these revolutionary new products would prevent mishaps (like the one pictured above) from constantly happening to innocent people around the world.

white guy vs black guy

A lot of people have asked me for details of the fight in A New Low, the one in which an afro'd black male smashes some white boyz head into a parked car...

Who was it?
What happened?
When was this?
Where was this?
Why were they fighting?

Honestly, I don't know all the details myself. I was at a "Fuck Those Dudes" anti-X Games party in Philly. People were drunk, and those two people decided to go outside and bleed on each other. That's all I know.

Typically, this is where the concerned inquiry shifts from "who, what, when, where and why??" to "wait...'anti-X Games'?? I thought you were a skateboarder??" This is always difficult for me to explain without going on a cynical tangent, or lecturing them on why it upsets me to see shitty corporations urinating logos all over something that I truly love.

...luckily, I no longer have to. Dave Carnie just posted an article on Jackass World that he'd originally written for Big Brother in 2002, explaining (in greater detail than I could ever give) why the X Games suck, the story behind "Fuck Those Dudes," the event itself...and even makes a brief mention of (but offers no further insight on) the same fight so many of you have seen in A New Low.

It's a good read, quite funny and has a fine assortment of Carnie-isms...particularly "switch-rad," which I'm surprised never caught on, and consequently, I'm stealing for my own use. Fuck that dude.

http://www.jackassworld.com/blog/2008/08/01/xgames-fuck-those-dudes

Denim Dudes

Lace up your Miss Piggy slippers, grab a hearty bowl of unseasoned croutons, fall into your favorite beanbag chair and enjoy a round or three of "Denim Dudes" from the upcoming, and most delayed DVD of all time, A New Low 2!

Ready, aim...ejaculate!

This is your lucky day
for any time you wish to spray
your bodily fluids my way...

I will lie down on my bed
tuck my legs behind my head
and I will gladly spread.
...but do not be misled
my bulls-eye is pink, with touch of brown, not red.

six-word Starbucks reviews

Lemonade Blended Beverage
Cold, chunky, lemon scented corn syrup.

Grande sugar-free Vanilla Latte, "skinny," no foam
Muddy water for cuntish old hags.

Mocha Frappuccino
A coffee-esque, toilet flavored McDonalds milkshake.

Starbucks Brewed Coffee
Ground fresh...bagged, shipped...served stale.

Caramel Macchiato
Celebrate your appreciation of tooth decay.

a light at the end of every flesh tunnel

Have you ever had one of those farts that ripple up your buttcrack and erupt from its crest--instead of just spilling from the designated hole? I had one while I was eating my cereal this morning. My posture wasn't quite 90 degrees and I may have been favoring the left hemassphere, so I figured I was just sitting wrong...

...and then it happened again at work. While I was standing.

I'm pretty sure my cheeks are in top condition and I haven't been inserting many foreign objects into my diarrhea faucet in recent weeks...so I have no idea what's causing this phenomenon.

Part of me finds this amusing...but a greater part of me fears the formation of an odorous brown patch on my lower back.

The solution?

I've invested in an economy pack of cotton balls to stuff along my crack, held in place only by the sticky perspiration naturally found within that region after a morning jog.

However, fearing the powerful gust may prove too much for a mere cotton barricade, I've also invested in a "picnic pack" of bendy straws that I'm hoping I can rig into an elaborate fart rerouting system. I'll tape them together, creating a "gas line," if you will, that would start at the northernmost ridge of my ass, sending the farts up my spinal column, over my right shoulder, down my arm and out the sleeve of my jacket.

Not only would I thwart an unwanted scented "tramp stamp," this method would also give the illusion that I have magical powers--such as a sprinkling of foul fairy dust from my fingertips, or bolts of rancid heat from my palms. Whenever I feel gaseous, I'll shake the hand of a coworker, pinch the cheeks of a baby or fingerbang a bedridden elderly woman against her will.

You see, folks...when nature fucks with you, you need to take a deep breath and compose yourself. With a clear head you can turn any negative into a positive, just ask those silly H.I.V. fanatics.

What a "lovely" day.

I got back to my house 20 minutes from the time I'd left, with a thirst for more than just the morning coffee in my right hand. It is Tuesday, a day in which new music and movies are released nationwide on digital formats for our consumer needs. I hadn't anticipated any particular new releases, but I knew I'd find something, anything to put further stress on my iPod's hard drive in no more than thirty seconds of riffling through the iTunes store.

I hit the 128 kb/s jackpot when I discovered AFI had a new album out!



I immediately purchased the album and gulped down my coffee with great anticipation as the songs downloaded to my computer and transferred over to my iPod. I cancelled my 12:30 business luncheon and went out for a long nature walk to really absorb the new songs; to take in every note and become one with the music.

I'd like to share with you my review as it appears on iTunes. I typically write six-word record reviews, but this release is so special, so enchanting...I felt the need to go above and beyond--a reflection, if you will, of the album itself.

(click to enlarge)